Made To Crave

I have to tell you that I am not trying to lose weight this time without a little (a lot of) help.  About a month ago, I decided to join a Bible study at my church.  I'm new at the church and decided it would be a good way for me to get to know some ladies, mostly.  The name of the study is Made To Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I honestly didn't give the topic much thought.  I've done Bible studies about weight loss before.  I have tried EVERYTHING to lose weight and keep it off..I'm not even exaggerating.  Well, everything except surgery, I guess. 

At any rate, the study has been the reason I am giving this weight loss thing another try.  And...I have to say that my perspective is completely different now.  So, as I share what is happening on this part of my "journey to life", I'm sure I'll be referencing this book along the way.  We are about 4 weeks into the study, and the last week or so has really changed my thinking.

Made To Crave isn't a weight loss plan.  In fact, it really doesn't cover a food plan or way of eating at all.  What it does do is make you think about what scripture has to say about food and allowing God to have control over everything in your life...including your diet and health.  This is an excerpt that helped to think differently about my struggle.

But, what if this battle with food isn't the curse we've always thought it to be?  What if it's actually the very thing, if brought under control, that can lead us to a better understanding of God?  What if we could actually get to the place where we thanked God for letting us face this battle because of the rich treasures we discovered on the battlefield?
My friend E. Titus sums up with I am discovering as well:
When I get all caught up in how unfair it is that my friend is skinny and doesn't have to work at it, how she can eat what she wants when she wants, and how much it stinks that I can't be like her, I remind myself that God didn't make me to be her.  You see, He knew even before I was born that I could easily allow food to be an idol in my life, that I would go to food, instead of to Him, to fulfill my needs.  And in His great wisdom, He created my body so that it would experience the consequences of such a choice, so that I would continually be drawn back into his arms.  He wants me to come to Him for fulfillment, emotional healing, comfort - and if I could go to food for that and never gain an ounce, well then, what would I need God for?

Hmm...God knew me before I was born.  He knew what my struggles would be.  He created me.  He created me imperfect with issues, because He wanted me to learn to turn to Him.  That includes my issues with food.  He knew before I gained this weight that my true struggle isn't weight, it's trusting and leaning on Him instead of my own devices.  My own devices, food in this case, are harmful to my size and my health.  And, now I realize that He knows I can't do this on my own.  And I realize that I can't.  My own willpower isn't enough, and it's not supposed to be. 

A New Discovery & Confession

I've been pondering this post for a week or two now and I'm still not sure exactly where to begin.  So, I'm going to just jump in and let my brain unravel a bit.

I've blogged so much about Sierra Leone and our new found passion or orphans and mission work, that it's easy for me just to write about SL or things related to a trip, fundraising or whatever.  However, my intent when I started the blog was to just share my heart and the journey our family is on with the the LORD.  We've definately realized that a true willingness to let God have everything in our lives is hard, but the most joyful experience we could've imagined.  

In a lot of ways, we've come a long way in a couple of years.  We've sold lots of our stuff, given as much or more away, reached out to the poor and needy both here and in Africa.  We've sacrificed financially to make these mission trips possible.  So...we are making progress.  We're not "there" yet, but we are growing.

However, one of the areas of my life that I STILL struggle with and haven't truly been able to move myself out of is my weight.  It's been a life-long issue that I am just plain ol' tired of battling and had just given up.  As long as I can remember, I've felt fat.  It began when I was in elementary school and continues on to this day.  When I look back at pictures of myself in high school, I can't believe how great I looked.  I was athletic and healthy and looked fabulous.  The problem was, I didn't feel that way.  I wasn't a size 4 and I wasn't happy.  

Rollercoasters are not something I enjoy, even at an amusement park, but I've been on this dieting ride as long as I can remember.  Confession:  Today, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life.  More than when I delivered my babies, even.  Ugh.  I decided a while back that I just didn't care anymore and it really didn't matter.  I rationalized that as long as I was happy with myself, everything was just fine.  After all, being happy with myself was always the issue.  No matter what my size - I was never happy.  So, why go through the hassle of losing the weight again when the weight loss really wasn't going to solve to make me happy?  At least, I've learned that lesson.  Weight loss does NOT equal happiness.  I'm tired of feeling guilty, deprived, restricted, and like a failure...so why even try?  That's where my head has been over the last year and a half or so.

The problem with that line of thinking is that it just didn't reconcile with my heart for God and wanting to *really* live out my faith in a real and tangible way.  I tried for a while to just push it out of my head and ignore those small whispers of the Holy Spirit, but that just isn't working anymore.

I know that God's best for me isn't to be this size.  It's not all about size.  In fact...the size is only the result of the bigger problem.  The true issue is health, fitness, and prevention.  God's best for me is NOT heart problems or diabetes.  And, in fact, if those health issues crop up (and likely, they will) I won't be able to be the wife, the mom or the missionary he's called me to be.  

This battle really isn't about me at all anymore, actually.  It's about surrendering an area of my life to Christ that I've never been able to give up before.  An area that my enemy has won in the past, and used to keep me from fulfilling all the things I was created to do.

This week a shift in my thinking has happened and I pray that God continues to reveal Himself and His plan for me.  Please help me pray that I will have the courage and strength to grow even closer to Christ as I seek to give Him everything, including my issues with food.

Because this is truly another part of Our Journey To Life and living out Matthew 10:39, I'm going to start blogging about it.  I hope that the accountability to the blog will help me muster up some strength.  And, I hope that if any of you who might be reading struggle with these same issues, that I might be an encouragement to you, too.