Thursday, March 17, 2011

A New Discovery & Confession

I've been pondering this post for a week or two now and I'm still not sure exactly where to begin.  So, I'm going to just jump in and let my brain unravel a bit.

I've blogged so much about Sierra Leone and our new found passion or orphans and mission work, that it's easy for me just to write about SL or things related to a trip, fundraising or whatever.  However, my intent when I started the blog was to just share my heart and the journey our family is on with the the LORD.  We've definately realized that a true willingness to let God have everything in our lives is hard, but the most joyful experience we could've imagined.  

In a lot of ways, we've come a long way in a couple of years.  We've sold lots of our stuff, given as much or more away, reached out to the poor and needy both here and in Africa.  We've sacrificed financially to make these mission trips possible.  So...we are making progress.  We're not "there" yet, but we are growing.

However, one of the areas of my life that I STILL struggle with and haven't truly been able to move myself out of is my weight.  It's been a life-long issue that I am just plain ol' tired of battling and had just given up.  As long as I can remember, I've felt fat.  It began when I was in elementary school and continues on to this day.  When I look back at pictures of myself in high school, I can't believe how great I looked.  I was athletic and healthy and looked fabulous.  The problem was, I didn't feel that way.  I wasn't a size 4 and I wasn't happy.  

Rollercoasters are not something I enjoy, even at an amusement park, but I've been on this dieting ride as long as I can remember.  Confession:  Today, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life.  More than when I delivered my babies, even.  Ugh.  I decided a while back that I just didn't care anymore and it really didn't matter.  I rationalized that as long as I was happy with myself, everything was just fine.  After all, being happy with myself was always the issue.  No matter what my size - I was never happy.  So, why go through the hassle of losing the weight again when the weight loss really wasn't going to solve to make me happy?  At least, I've learned that lesson.  Weight loss does NOT equal happiness.  I'm tired of feeling guilty, deprived, restricted, and like a why even try?  That's where my head has been over the last year and a half or so.

The problem with that line of thinking is that it just didn't reconcile with my heart for God and wanting to *really* live out my faith in a real and tangible way.  I tried for a while to just push it out of my head and ignore those small whispers of the Holy Spirit, but that just isn't working anymore.

I know that God's best for me isn't to be this size.  It's not all about size.  In fact...the size is only the result of the bigger problem.  The true issue is health, fitness, and prevention.  God's best for me is NOT heart problems or diabetes.  And, in fact, if those health issues crop up (and likely, they will) I won't be able to be the wife, the mom or the missionary he's called me to be.  

This battle really isn't about me at all anymore, actually.  It's about surrendering an area of my life to Christ that I've never been able to give up before.  An area that my enemy has won in the past, and used to keep me from fulfilling all the things I was created to do.

This week a shift in my thinking has happened and I pray that God continues to reveal Himself and His plan for me.  Please help me pray that I will have the courage and strength to grow even closer to Christ as I seek to give Him everything, including my issues with food.

Because this is truly another part of Our Journey To Life and living out Matthew 10:39, I'm going to start blogging about it.  I hope that the accountability to the blog will help me muster up some strength.  And, I hope that if any of you who might be reading struggle with these same issues, that I might be an encouragement to you, too. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jodi,
    Hearin' ya' girl. Constant battle, seem to always lose, been thinkin' the same thing. I have always loved everyone else just the way they are, but hate myself with what I am and have let myself become since HS. I know we can't be the same as we were then, but certainly a whole lot better than I am now. I like you have tried everything, every diet, every diet pill and they work for a while but not for long. I know that God is the only way to really become victorious in this. So I stand with you sister! You know how much I love you and your family, so we will lift each other up and let God defeat the eneny in this. We CAN do all things through Christ who is our strength!
    Love you, have a great trip. Paula